I have been celibate for five years, because after my divorce I was dating and sleeping with wolves in sheep clothes. So I decided to take a break to do some healing as well as self-love. The break was very necessary in which I healed from the inside and out, and it also made me comfortable enough to get back out and date. But lately I’m meeting a lot of guys who want sex within 2-3days of dating. I refrain from it and they leave me alone. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, but why is finding love so difficult when you have self-respect and standards?
Ask B. response: First I’d like to commend you on being celibate, let alone for five years, because that’s something many refuse to partake in. God would be pleased! More so, the fact that YOU knew it was something that needed to be done in order for you to be a better version of YOU! Self-awareness and self-assessment will take you far in life. It says: I know there’s a problem, now let me resolve it. I like when women have the courage to acknowledge their promiscuous period in life instead of acting like it never existed. In regards to your divorce, you seem to be in good spirits. I’m glad you didn’t see it as an end. Sometimes the end is the start of the beginning.
So now that you’ve healed (I’m assuming) from your situation let’s get on into it! One of the problems with today’s world is everyone wants instant gratification. I hate to blame social media for it, but it has played a part with the derailing of dating. Most social media platforms have turned into hook up sites. With everyone flaunting sex of some sort, that’s all folks are looking for. Ask yourself: Where is it that you’re looking/meeting people these days? Honestly, a majority of folks aren’t looking for anything more than sex. Regardless if it’s sex on the first date or tenth, they’re taking it. However, you had to know there’d be many challenges dating celibate. Did you think that guys would stay and wait it out? Especially after telling them it’s been five whole years since you last danced on the magic stick? Folks are shallow, but I truly believe there are some men out there who’d respect the covenant/pact you’ve made to yourself. You also have to take into consideration that most people don’t have a real understanding of celibacy. You add that with the stereotype of “not fun” and “boring” that accompanies women who are celibate, and I can guarantee you most of them are dateless.
The fact that you’re celibate is the most perfect and honest approach to every man you meet. Throw it out there right away, with your reason and you’ll see who’ll flee. Sure some may take it as a joke at first, and think they’re being brushed off, or as the kids say curved, but there isn’t any other, yet perfect way to weed out the wolves from the warriors than telling them you’re not having sex. Always remember, that you’re not doing anything wrong but living and walking in your truth. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re doing something wrong or make your celibacy an issue or problem for them. They ought to respect it as much as you do. I suggest you try dating like-minded people. There are groups and social circles that cater to people who are celibate and wanting to date. There are a few platonic dating sites out there too. Along with that, check and see if your area has any support groups. Also check out blackcelibacy.com, which is geared to celibate dating. Don’t be afraid to educate the intended person on the topic either. Stress that it doesn’t mean you’re not sexual, but understand that there are boundaries. Actress Meagan Good and her husband Devon Franklin wrote a book The Wait, in which they discussed their journey to marriage and how they vowed not to have sex.
Concluding…with you wondering why is finding love so difficult when you have self-respect and standards? Well, standards and self-respect have little to do with finding love. That’s the person’s morals. Finding love is hard in general, because majority of people aren’t looking for it. It’s like when you go out to the club. People have different intentions. Some go out to dance and let go of their problems of the week. Most men go out to pick up women. Some women go for girl’s night, and in hopes to finding a man in the process. It all depends on ones intentions. You can’t date Jimmy who’s known to have a litany of hoes, and think he’s going to honor your wishes of not having sexual relations. Again, ask yourself: where is that I’m meeting these people? Like-minded people get similar results. Date and date often, but date like-minded people.
Do you have a question for B? Email question to [email protected]
#AskB: My Friends Want Me to Try Online Dating, but I’m Hesitant